I don’t have any children and it is not by choice.
I have gone through different phases where I have been in denial and almost convinced myself that I don’t want them. Then there were times when I was so desperate and depressed that I decided to go to any lengths (within reason…god knows what that is though) just so that I could have a baby to call my own.
I actually did get a surgery done which was recommended by 4 different doctors but shortly after, ended up in the hospital. The doctors said this was a ‘rarest of rare case’.
I still didn’t lose hope and went through months of treatment, pouring in money and injecting hormones in my bloodstream that made my temper brewing hot and me always near tears.
There were times when it was an injection every other day for more than 20 days, I was popping more pills than food and I almost felt like an animal that was being worked on, just so that it could do what any ordinary female body should be able to do…reproduce.
With a new puncture in my bottom every other day, and the ultrasound stick probing my innards frequently I had almost stopped feeling anything, shame or embarrassment. It was a mechanical process that I just had to go through every month and then wait agonizingly for two weeks only to hysterically weep when the red devil rose its head, and I bled. But hope remained.
One miscarriage and countless failed attempts have failed to numb me out and I’m still a rollercoaster of unbridled emotions. Maybe I need help…or maybe I am okay. I don’t know anymore…
It didn’t happen. It hasn’t happened yet and every single day I oscillate between hope, desperation, denial, hormones, pain, blood, medicines, mood swings, and so much more that I don’t have the vocabulary for (I write for a living by the way!)
I put a brave face on every morning, I get up, go about my daily routine and join in the humdrum of every day as it is…
I smile more than most people I know… trying hard…not to tell them that everytime someone asks me about it, my heart breaks a little, I feel a void in the middle of my gut that would never go away, and every single time I hear the dreaded question, I feel like someone punched me right in the middle of my stomach and knocked the wind out of me…all this without missing a beat and while answering the question with a smile on my face.
Such is life…